The Grass Is Always Greener

“Thomas Wolfe once said, ‘you can’t go home again.’” – Now and Then

It really seems like yesterday that I was leaving New York after a three day visit and was crying shamelessly on the plane wishing I could stay longer. It wasn’t a feeling I was unfamiliar with: every time I visited New York it seemed heart-breaking to leave. In fact, I’d never had a dry eye on a NYC to YYZ plane ride. In July 2013, I remember a distinct feeling I had when returning home – a feeling of being stuck. All I wanted was to live in New York City and pursue my dream of acting and it seemed there was no way to do it. I wanted to move there immediately, but being that I was Canadian, I’d have to either be in school, or be offered a job or be in a super serious relationship (none of which were available to me at that point.) I felt like being Canadian and living here had trapped me and made me lose out on so many wonderful things just on the other side of the border. How could it be that living just 50 minutes from the USA could be such a burden?

Flash forward past a summer of 70 hour workweeks, auditions, interviews, acceptances, moving, acting classes, dance classes, combat classes, speech and voice classes, invitations back to second year, more work, more classes, more onion-peeling (less sleep) musicals, demonstrations, showcases, shows and several rounds of watching some of my favorite summer movies (Grease, The Great Outdoors, Summer Rental, Vacation, etc.) and we get to May 2016 when I had the sudden urge to visit home. Maybe it was the fact that my mind and body needed a rest after the intensive year at school and they knew exactly where they could get it or maybe it was because deep inside me, I knew that there really is no place like Canada in the summer but something inside of me made me want to come back.

This past month has been exactly what I needed. I need to decompress, breathe, relax, get rerooted, restore my energy and spend time with the people who I love. I think the last time I got to just relax without having a job or being in school was when I was fifteen and it really did feel great. I love being an adult and living on my own and doing my own grocery shopping and cleaning and organizing but there really is something so great about going home and being able to be a kid again. I got to sleep in, read, go for car rides and reconnect with some of my favorite people. And funnily enough, the people weren’t the only ones I reconnected with... I have to say: I love this country. Canada is beautiful, free, friendly, safe and home. I have never been the kind of person to be patriotic, in fact, I would often tease Canada in a tongue-and-cheek kind of way.

It took 26 years (two of which were spent in the States) to realize how lucky I am to be born in what is truly the greatest country in the world and I am oh, so proud to say it. I am Canadian.

So as my month-long trip back home comes to an end and I find myself about to face a year of not being able to leave the States with my new visa, I can’t help but think how the tables turn. How it was just a few years ago I wanted nothing more than to leave here and never look back and now (while I am excited to go back to New York and get to work and do what I love) I know I am leaving behind a huge piece of my heart.

I already miss my family and friends here. I already miss my backyard. I already miss the comfort of lounging around the house I was born in and know so well. I already miss my old bedroom. I already miss my always-full refrigerator. I already miss the beautiful view outside my kitchen windows. I already miss slipping my feet underneath family members at the dinner table. I already miss mini road trips. I already miss running errands with my mom. I already miss the comfort of being a ten minute drive from my best friend. I already miss horsing around with my brother. I already miss cooking with my dad. I already miss my running route. I already miss the nostalgia of laughing with the friends I have known for over two decades. I already miss falling asleep in my family room. I already miss walking around our property in bare feet.

I love New York. I really do. And anyone that knows me knows that I don’t have to explain or defend my love and passion for my city. It’s what gives me ambition. It’s what gives me fuel. It’s where I feel alive. It’s where I know opportunity is for me. I know it is where I have to be to make my dreams come true. So while reading this please know that I don’t mean this to sound like I am being shipped off to Syria and being held captive or anything.

It’s just that for the first time I’ve realized that Canada will always be my roots. For the first time I’ve realized that this is the place that has made me who I am. This is the place that will always hold some of my best and most cherished memories. This is the place where so many of the people I love most in the world live. And truly, this is my home and native land. And for the first time I’ve realized just how proud I am of that.

I guess the grass is really always greener on the other side (of the border.)

I already miss you, Canada, and all of the special people, places and memories you hold so dear to my heart.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I can't say I had the very best day today. Without going into great detail, I was just feeling a bit upset about a few things and not entirely pleased with the way I handled a situation. While I will be the first to admit that I tend to obsess over things that I don't necessarily like, I could feel such an obsession coming on as I was leaving my school this afternoon.

By the time I got home I could have faced a torturous evening of "if's, ands or buts" however, I was welcomed home by simply the cutest cat in the world. I've heard statistics about how people with pets live much happier lives and I have to say that this makes so much sense to me. There is nothing like coming home to my little guy. His greeting is so adorable and sincere and he truly makes me feel at home here. I really don't think I'd have made such a smooth transition from leaving my house of twenty four years to moving to another country so well if it wasn't for him. (That and this is my favourite place, like ever. Ever, ever.)

Anyway, Edward was the first key part of turning my day around, however this particular post is about the other part that made me feel better: the Office.

I watched several episodes as I made homemade Zucchini Torte from scratch (for the first time!) In my humble opinion, the Office is single-handedly one of the most clever and hilarious shows of our time. Few shows ever make me laugh out loud when I'm by myself but this is truly one that does. All of the characters are so hilarious and so very loveable.

The Office was the perfect little escape from reality for me this evening. It made me laugh, smile and feel all warm inside (lame, I know.)

Anyway, the point of all this is I want to provide this kind of lightness and entertainment to people's lives. I want to be the one who makes them laugh and makes them excited to come home, relax, eat some food, have a drink... just sit back and relax. I want to be a part of entertainment (be it a live show, television show or movie) that people look forward to watching. I'm so thankful for the actors and comedians who have enriched my life with humor and that's what I want to do.

I want to make people laugh. That's what I want to do. Always.

Who You Are

Today I was thinking about what makes us who we are.

People say that our friends are a reflection of us. Am I like my friends?

People say that you are what you eat. Am I a cherry tomato? Avocado? Baby carrot?

People say your family is who you are. That's very flattering.

Your friends and your family and the way you treat them may be a reflection of your character but how do we actually explain to anyone - or more importantly - to ourselves who we are.

Melissa is a person who likes to joke around. Melissa is a person who loves to write, make videos, listen to music, play with animals, read, travel, swim... these are just some of my hobbies.

But who am I?

What defines me? What makes me different from my neighbour or friend or brother or you, the person reading this blog?

I usually hate these kind of questions, so forgive me for sounding "out there" in this post. But what is the difference between all of us?

I look at people I surround myself with throughout every day life and can't help but think I'm so different. I feel like I work differently, like I belong to something bigger.

That's when I came upon a thought:

perhaps who we are is defined by who we want to be.

People who want to do and accomplish certain things are definitions of what it is they'd like to do.

Our character is reflected in what we want and hope to do.

I want to travel, cook, write, act, be successful, live in so many different places, have kids, be an amazing mom and wife... this defines me. Even though I haven't done much of any of the above yet, it's the fact that I want to do and accomplish all of the above that makes me who I am.

There are people who one day just want to be a car owner, or baseball player or an accountant, etc. and that is what makes them who they are today. What they want in the future is a definitive.

That's not to say that what we want in the future may not change - this is why we change every day. Perhaps that's why youth is so fascinating. You can be whoever you want to be because your hopes and dreams for the future are still scattered upon the stars.

I could just be writing on and on now. However, this makes sense in my head. Like I said, I see things differently. That's what makes me who I am - the way I see my future from the way you see yours.

Cheers to the future and to who you are.

Happy Year

Me on my 21st Birthday

Today is my 22nd Birthday. Although many people celebrate at midnight exclaiming, "I'm 22 now!" I have always waited until 4:48 PM to officially say my new age. It's the exact time I was born and it allows me the entire morning to reflect on the past year I've had. I think about the ups and downs and the significant moments of the past year's journey. It's about fifteen minutes until 4:48, so I'm going to quickly jot down some moments that I cherish...


California
The best trip I have ever been on in my entire life was with my mom as we travelled to California. A place I've been to almost a dozen times as a child. This was the first time I'd been there since I was twelve and it opened up an entire new mind-frame for me. It bonded me even closer with my mom and my dad's beautiful family there. It also bonded me to that state. The place I one day would love to call home.

Edward
Never in a million years did I ever think I'd like - let alone adopt - a cat. I'd always considered myself a dog person and thought cats seemed inferior compared to dogs. This little baby kitten landed himself on our back porch in the winter and I was able to adopt him mid-January and I can honestly say I love the little guy so much more than I ever thought possible. What an adorable face he has - and his personality, believe it or not, is even cuter.

YouTube
Those who know me - in real life or any of my close to 1000 subscribers - know that I love YouTube. This year I made one of my biggest dreams come true and became a YOUTUBE PARTNER. I still can't believe it and thank you to everyone who has supported me and continued to show their support. You have no idea how much it means to me.

New Music
I'd always considered myself quite a musical connoisseur. I loved everything from oldies to rap, pop to country - but I'd always said I couldn't stand heavy metal or house music. Last summer I was introduced to Armin, Avicii, Aoki, Benassi... the list goes on. I've fallen in love with this music and the parties that go along with it.

Finished School
I have finished schooling! There were many times when I never thought this day would come. But it's over. Woohoo! I now have my degree and diploma.

Friends
I've made so many new life-long friends this year. While I've welcomed new friendships, I've also said goodbye to others that didn't prove to be as sincere as I'd thought. This surely was not a bad thing though. I love having a closer-knit group of people I love and I feel so blessed to have some amazing and crazy people in my life. Focusing on my new and significant friendships has been the one of the most rewarding experiences for me.

Dylan
I became a Godmother just before turning 21 last year and the honour is indescribable. I've spent this past year bonding more closely with my adorable godson and I am so excited and looking forward to what the future has in store for us.

Christmas
I will not go into too much detail here but I managed to make my very, very, very favourite holiday extra "special" this year. Again, I will not include too many details but it was surely a Christmas for my family and I to remember forever.

Relationships
I was in a very, very brief relationship that showed me that I must always stay true to myself and the goals that I've set out for me. While this was a very quick dating experience it allowed me to see what I do and do not want in people, in myself, in my life, etc. So I'm thankful for that.

Babies
I became an "aunt" for the first time and words cannot describe my love for this new bundle of joy. I cannot wait to spoil and eat up my little chuftka! One of my closest cousins also had her third baby! And again, I cannot wait to spoil the little one with oodles and oodles of love.

Yes, I have experienced ups and downs and moments that have helped steer me to exactly where I'm meant to be right now. I'm thankful for each one and I am so excited for this next year of my life. I hope and pray that I will be as fortunate in my 22nd year of life that I have been from my first moment all the way through my 21st year.

... It's now 4:48!!! Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

Life... Make Each Day Count

In honour of the 100th Titanic anniversary, I am posting one of my very favourite quotes of all time.

"Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count."

Relationships

I want to express here that I'm not against relationships.

I don't have negative feelings about relationships. We are free to do what we want, when we want and that is marvellous. So if being in a relationship makes you happy, then I am so happy for you. And if being single makes you happy, then I am so happy for you.

I was speaking with someone a few days ago and we joked about "my take" on relationships...

I thought this was hilarious. And still feel it was a funny joke however, I was thinking about my real take on relationships today and think that maybe I should clear up that I'm not really against relationships. At all.

I think love is one of the very best things in the world. It's one of the only forms of magic that doesn't involve any tricks or spells and is completely real. It's pure. It's comforting, thrilling, stomach-flipping, "reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff." And that's nothing to scoff at. Someone who refuses to love is probably scared to. Give them time. They'll come around.

So now I've got to thinking about myself and how I may have sounded to others for the past several years. And perhaps it's my own fault for creating the confusion. I've said things like "I'm not a relationship person anymore" and that's not entirely true. If the right person comes along and has me swept completely off my feet and I know that in my heart, this is right then I will be in a relationship. I will be more than happy and more than willing to put my entire self into that relationship and give him every part of me from my heart to my home, my family, friends, advice, shoulder, love, tenderness... I'll give him everything. You see, I may sound cold or even heartless by saying things like "no relationships for me right now" but I'm still a hopeless romantic. I'm still a person who believes in love. In true love.

And perhaps the reason why I have shied away from relationships in the past, or the reason I get that claustrophobic feeling when I think I'm giving someone the wrong idea is because I simply know that it's not right.

I'd like to believe that it won't take looking at other people's relationships to prove that I can be in a relationship. Rather, it will take the man that will be worth it. I'm not going to be in relationships that I know just aren't the right fit. It wouldn't be fair to me, nor the other person. And that's something I'll say I'm against. I'm against two people being in something that is damaging towards them.

I'd also like to think that something will just click one day. That things will fall into place and that what's meant to be is truly meant to be and will be. And maybe that sounds too simple, or too cliche... but hey. I told you I'm still a hopeless romantic.

Last Day of School

Tomorrow is my last day of school.

It is also the first time I'll be saying that without knowing I'll be back at school after summer vacation. I have such a mix of emotions inside of me right now that it is truly impossible for me to explain everything I'm feeling in words.

Surreal seems like one of the most appropriate word choices to describe my feelings towards this chapter's ending.

There had been many long nights, days, wee hours of the mornings when I'd cursed school to no end. There were essays I dreaded writing and exams that I walked into with the utmost terror (not to mention messy bun, bags under my eyes, sweatpants and hoodie attire.)

As a well-practiced procrastinator, many of my essay-related experiences involved me... My bedroom. My two best friends on Skype (you know who you are.) At least five cups of espresso. Facebook. YouTube. Papers. Notes. Garbage can full of notes. My nearby clock (ever-so politely displaying hour after excruciating hour pass by.) Some tears. Many body stretches. Many long glances around my room which turned into daydreams which often turned into two-three minute naps. I can't forget the glorious sunrise in all of this. Because I'd be lying if I said that most of my work was not completed (or in the final stages of completion) with the motivation of that beautiful sun rising. It is here where I thank my printer for pulling through. It is my belief that few people know the true pleasure of hitting the "Print" button until they've been through university.

Then there were the exams. Hours and hours of lectures, homework and studying widdled down into a two hour exam that really mostly tests your ability to control your nerves in such a case and remember just about... well, everything.

Lectures. There were certain lectures that I've blocked and erased from my mind completely. Lectures that were about two hours and 45 minutes too long. Lectures where I recorded about one line of notes but successfully organized my iTunes library, or pulled off a silent skype conversation with a friend, or beat eight consecutive solitaire games in a row, or even lectures where I spent most of my time texting and flirting with a certain someone.

So all this complaining. I should be happy to go. I should be running out the doors. Right? But as I sit here at 2:45 in the morning thinking about how this may be the last time I express, "I should get to bed soon... I have an early class" I also think about the good experiences, too.

I remember the first really, really good essay I ever wrote. It was in my Mass Communications class in first year. It was about Barbie and how I supported her rather than tear her down like most others do. I loved that essay and damn, I did well on it. I remember by first Public Relations class with Richard and how everything he described in that class seemed to scream, "Meltab!" I remember the reassuring feeling I felt that day - like I was on the right track or something.

While I can't really put my finger on a "fun" exam, I do chuckle thinking about some of the stresses I went through prior to some midterms. Frantically texting with classmates... desperately flipping through notes after notes and units after units trying to discover what certain terms meant... I also remember that feeling of finally being able to flip over the exam booklet and quickly skim the questions in the exam. I loved the feeling I'd get when I knew answers... recognized words and terms...

Yes, some lectures were difficult to get through but I'd have to say that most of them were pretty great. I was lucky to have quite a few professors who are true gems and I'll remember those special ones forever probably. I loved when our whole class would get involved in a deep discussion. As a group of public relations students, we tend to be a vocal crowd. Yes, there were definitely some lash-outs and probably name-callings along the way, but when these moments happened they always made class exciting.

I suppose one of the things I'll miss most about being a student is this lifestyle. The very lifestyle I sometimes hated. The very lifestyle that kept me up and caused countless all-nighters. The very lifestyle that caused me to step out of my house looking like a zombie. The very lifestyle that had made me repeat to myself so many times... "just three more years..." "just two more years, you're half way..." "just one more year, you're almost done..." to... tonight. "One more day."

The "school" aspect of school has definitely played it's hand, but being a student has also been all I've known my whole life. After tomorrow, I will no longer be a student. I'll eventually be an intern and then one day an employee... or a traveller or a blogger or an owner or... something.

I don't know. I do not know what the future holds and I suppose that is one of the thrilling parts of all this, too. Throughout my whole life I've always been a student and always left school knowing I'd soon be back to continue being a student. That chapter will be over by tomorrow at 3:20 pm and a new adventurous one will begin. It's scary, exiting, sad, satisfying, gratifying... surreal.

So here's to the last of so many blog posts I've written in the middle of the night, instead of doing other things (like sleeping) to better prepare myself for school tomorrow. Thank you so much for reading and being a part of this night and perhaps all the others you have read about.

Here's to this past chapter. Here's to school and being lucky enough to attend it.

And better yet... here's to the next chapter.

Don't Give Up

I just want to stress the importance of not giving up.

Whether it's chasing a dream, going for a job, losing weight, marrying someone... giving up is always going to be an option. And it will almost always be the easier alternative.

But the true joys in life are worth it I'm sure. They're worth the time and effort. If you think about long-term happiness... it's just got to be worth it. Don't give up. Don't give up trying hard, eating right, working out, saving money, making videos, writing music, loving someone, fighting for something that matters.

But most of all, don't give up on yourself. You're the one who's going to get you there. You're the one who truly is the key to your own happiness.

You can do it.

Just don't give up.

Not Helpless

Ten months ago I read a book that changed my life. Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin really did an outstanding job at making me take a look at myself and my body and the way I feel about my body. My body is a temple and what I put into it is what I will get out. If I eat unhealthy and gross foods I will, in turn, feel unhealthy and gross. Simple idea. Makes sense, doesn't it?

As I was reading this book there was a chapter called "You Are What You Eat" and the beginning of this chapter gave a warning. The authors explained that this particular chapter would reveal graphic information about the ways in which most animals are bred and slaughtered in order for us humans to eat them.

At the time, I literally read about two paragraphs and decided I was not ready to continue reading this chapter. I loved meat. It was summertime and I loved bacon in the mornings on the patio, I loved BBQing, I loved my dad's Armenian food dishes (many of which contain meat) and my closest friends and family know that I more than enjoyed my drunken street meat in the city whenever I was there.

The thought of becoming vegetarian had crossed my mind several times since I was about eighteen years old. I'd catch a snippet on the news or in the paper about the improper treatment of animals here and there and I'd feel sick about it. But then I'd smell the bacon or the BBQs or the rotisserie chicken at my place of work and realize I wasn't ready to give up meat. It was not my right time yet.

About a month after skipping this chapter my curiosity began to get the better of me. While hanging out with some friends someone eventually turned on a disturbing PETA video that had me in tears. At that moment I decided to reach for my Skinny Bitch book and read the chapter. Right then and there. With all my friends around I ignored them for about twenty minutes and read. I read everything.

When I finished the chapter I decided I no longer wanted to eat meat. Right at that moment I felt sick about it and simply did not want to have anything to do with what is going on in slaughterhouses and farms.

At this point I did not call myself vegetarian. I was not ready for such an extreme title and responsibility. What if this moment of pure disgust did not last long? What if I couldn't resist an intoxicated bite of pepperoni pizza? I simply said I was "not currently eating meat." In my mind I told myself that it is okay if I do eventually eat meat. This is just something I'm doing right now. Right now eating meat does not feel right for me. Right now I'm not eating meat. I may one day, but not right now.

About a month later I went to California where my Armenian family served me homemade Armenian food. I had a bit of chicken (at this point I had not made it official to anyone that I was 'vegetarian.') I felt sick for about twelve hours after I ate that meal. Upon my arrival home I knew that meat would be out of my life. I was ready. Upon my return I officially called myself Pescetarian (no land animals; but occasionally will eat seafood. Often an in-between stage for meat eaters to vegetarians.)

Before I stopped eating meat I was easily irritated by vegetarians or vegans who preached about the negatives of eating meat. I respected them for being vegetarian but at the same time I wanted respect for my choice as well. I promised myself I'd never be that kind of vegetarian.

People often ask me why I do not eat meat anymore... a few reasons. Meat has been proven to be extremely hard on human's digestive systems; our bodies simply are not made to naturally consume most meats. Hence, this feels like a healthy choice for me. I also have zero desire to eat an animal who was killed while feeling terror, confusion and panic.

"BUT MELISSA! If the animals are dead ANYWAY then it doesn't matter if you eat them or not! They're already dead! Someone else will!"

- 98% of meat-eaters.

Response: I chose to give up meat for me. Not for anyone else. Not to impress anyone or to become an activist. I started this because it felt right for me. I do not want to eat those animals. Whether "they're dead or not and someone else will eat them" did not affect my decision. I simply wanted a guilt-free eating experience.

Truth is, giving up meat was one of the easiest things I've ever done. I never thought I'd say that. Ever. But it was. Once I reached a point where I knew that it was time, I just stopped.

Jump to today. A friend of mine posted a disturbing video of animal cruelty titled From Farm to Fridge.

I haven't watched a video like this since nine months ago. I clicked play and within twenty seconds was crying. I simply cannot believe the kind of torture these animals go through to feed us.

I realize I'm about to go against what I'd said before (about how I would never be a preacher) but I'm asking that you hear this from me as merely someone who does not want to see animals being hurt instead of "that preachy, activist vegetarian biatch."

I honestly, have never, ever felt so helpless in my entire life. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table watching these defenceless animals going through actual hell and what can I do?

What can I do?

I'm filled with so much passion right now and I've never wanted to be a part of a change so eagerly in my whole life thus far. This does not have to be this way. There should be a way that people can eat guilt-free meat. A place where animals have a nice life and are killed with respect and the right treatment.

I personally, do not plan on eating meat, but I know there are billions of people who do and will continue to - and that is fine. That is their choice and I can respect that that is their choice. However, there must be some way to bring justice to the way in which these animals are treated.

After watching this video, writing this blog is literally the first thing I did. Still sitting here at the kitchen table with tears rolling down my face, hands cold and shaky. I don't know which organization to turn to, I'll have to do some research but I want to change this.

This is so wrong. I want to do something and be a part of an organization that I feel truly matters. Perhaps watching this video today has reiterated everything I needed to remember. I feel this overwhelming pull to act for these animals. This sense of helplessness felt terrifying. I cannot stand by and continue to do nothing. I'm going to try and make a difference. If even one little life is kept safe from torture I will be happy.

I can hear people's reactions to this post already. I can hear the negativity and the doubt and the tuning out, "there that girl goes... on a rant..." I don't care. Again, I'm doing this because it feels it's right. For me. Right now.

I'm going to do something.

I'm done with being helpless to the helpless.

The Second Time You Fall In Love

By Ryan O'Connell

"The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.

The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to suffer from a bout of amnesia. You’re going to poke and prod at your lover’s body and be like, “Wait, how do I do this again? How do I love you? I think it starts with us having a moment together in some coffee shop, right?” It’s going to feel scary at first. Falling in love is sort of like riding a bike though. You never really forget.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you’ll be a more sane person. Your first love is when you get all of your insanity out. You behave like an insane monster because your mind is freaking out about all these new powerful feelings. By the second time, however, you have an idea of what works and what doesn’t. It’s by no means perfect. The insanity will make a cameo at some point. “Peek a boo. I’m here! Hope you didn’t forget about me!” But you can usually shoo it away after awhile.

The second time you fall in love with someone, you will hopefully have better sex. Do not quote me on this.

The second time you fall in love with someone will still be exciting and you might even talk about moving in together or marriage. It will feel more “adult.” You have no idea what adult love actually is but you think it involves making coffee for each other in the morning and maybe even getting a dog. “This is my dog, Xan. I got him with the second person I fell in love with because that’s what you do! The first person I was in love with would’ve killed a dog.”

The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love."

Count Your Blessings

It's so easy to get caught up in so many of life's issues and obstacles. We often stress out about school, work, money... relationships.

We find ourselves captivated and all caught up in the daily stresses of dealing with these issues that we forget to stop and appreciate the truly important and irreplaceable people in our lives... our friends.

Our closest, dearest, most treasured friends who seem too good and too big for such a simple word. They're not just friends. They're family. In fact, mine have become more than just family. They have become a part of me.

It's very easy to get hung up on the bad things, but at the very least, count your blessings. Always try to count your blessings.

I'm truly a believer in quality over quantity; and while I have a large group of friends who I truly enjoying being around, there are three women in my life whom I simply cannot imagine being without.

These three ladies know me inside and out and love me anyways. They are all collectively here for me whenever I need them and all three bring different loving characteristics to the table.

I really cannot remember my life without these three girls and I don't care to try. It's funny. We have mothers day, fathers day, valentines day... well, today I'm celebrating you three.

Celebrating and thanking you. In just one day, I've been lucky to talk to all three of you separately and have felt stronger and happier after talking to each one.

I don't know what I did to deserve such amazing friends but I count myself as one lucky person to have found them. All three of you are deeply embedded in who I am and I love you for it!

One or All

"Since birth modern women have been told that we can do and be anything we want, be an astronaut, the head of an internet company, a stay-at-home mom. There aren't any rules any more. Choices are endless. And apparently, they can all be delivered right to your door. But is it possible that we've gotten so spoiled by choices that we've become unable to make one? That part of us knows that once you choose something, one man, one great apartment, one amazing job, another option goes away? Are we a generation of women who can't choose just one from column 'A'? Did we all have too much to handle, or was Samantha right? Can we have it all?"

- Sex and the City

Overplayed

You know the feeling...

You're driving in your car and a song comes on the radio that you've never heard before. Its unique rhythm catches your attention. The instrumentals are perfect for your current mood.

You turn it up. Now you can hear the lyrics. Wow, what an incredible verse. Boom. Then the chorus hits you. It's perfect. You wouldn't change a single word.

The next verse finishes and you're starting to type a reminder in your phone to download this song as soon as you get home.

Swing open your door, quickly open your computer, google the lyrics, find the song, youtube the video. Hit that beautiful button: download.

The download takes a few minutes and your anticipation to hear the song again is growing wildly. There it is... finally, in your iTunes.

Play. Enjoy. Repeat.

Play. Enjoy. Pick out your favourite line. Repeat.

Play. Enjoy. Sing your favourite line. Post your favourite line on Twitter or Facebook. Repeat.

Play. Enjoy. Sing the whole song out loud. Send it to a friend. Put on your iPod. Play in car. Play while working out. Play while eating dinner. Play before going to sleep. Play when you wake up. Play when you brush your teeth , comb your hair, get ready for school, while waiting in line. You play this new song so often because you just can't get enough of it.

You love how you discovered it before anyone else did. You love how it's lyrics mean something special to you right now. You love the beat, tempo, flow.

Maybe you even tried listening to some other songs but none of them were as currently satisfying to you as this new one.

But then it happens.

You press play... it starts... and just a few beats into your song a new emotion emerges. You want to skip it. You've heard it too much. It doesn't give you that heart-race it once did. It doesn't make you want to blast it in your car. It doesn't give you goosebumps. Yes, unfortunately it has been - like so many others - overplayed.

Overplayed. Excessive.

How many times have we overdone something? Whether it's finding out a new favourite recipe, food, television show, trend, fad... What is it with so many people excessively over indulging?

Just like the song... when we find something good, it's as if we can't get enough of that good thing. There is no satisfaction. There is no rest. Until it all becomes too much and the entire ideal has been exhausted.

Why do we do it? We know that once we have the song downloaded we can listen to it whenever we want, yet we want to listen to it as much as possible to the point where it's very sound irritates us. This goes for food, relationships, entertainment.

People like to rush. People like to obsess.

Is it worth it? Will people ever understand that time is our friend? Or will they make the same mistake again with the next song they suddenly discover they love?

Will they repeat the same steps all over again?

Play. Enjoy. Appreciate a new track. Take sometime. Repeat.

Yes, it may be hard not to repeat the song at first. It's new and exciting and hey, I can't blame you for wanting more. Taking it slow, however, will surely play off when a month from now you still want to listen to that song, eat that food, wear that outfit, etc.

Impact

Yesterday I was serving about 4 tables at once. I despised one table, two of the others were alright and one table (with two young women, maybe late 20's) made my night so much better.

I'd never seen either of them before but they were so bubbly and happy and made a point to make conversation with me (which is always appreciated as a server.) They asked me how my night was going, asked me what kind of lipgloss I was wearing because they thought it was amazing and then they proceeded to tell me that they thought I was nice looking.

I may never see these girls again in my life but they effected me last night. That was so unnecessarily nice of them to make the effort to talk to me, to compliment me, to make me feel good.

Little acts of kindness are so rare in this day and age. They should be treasured. Holding the door open for a stranger, helping someone pick up something they dropped, offering directions to someone lost, sincerely asking how someone is feeling... smiling.

This can be a cold world and you can walk through it aimlessly in a fog for days. And then... there it is. Something, someone to bring you back and make you smile.

The thing about these little encounters is that often people do not even know they're affecting or even impacting this person.

I'm sure many of us have held doors open, smiled, offered assistance to people... and who knows? Maybe you impacted that person. Maybe they were lost. Maybe they were in a fog. Maybe you really helped them in more ways you thought you did.

By the end of their meal, the two girls thanked me for such nice service and within earshot from me briefly discussed amongst themselves how they're happy they told me they liked my lipgloss.

"Well, everyone she served tonight was probably looking at her lips and thinking they're gorgeous and sparkly and I bet no one said anything. Now, at least she knows that people admire them!" one girl said to the other.

Impact.

They didn't have to say anything. They didn't have to smile or ask how my day was going. They didn't know I was having a rough day. They didn't expect a free meal or discount out of it. They didn't think I'd be writing about them in my blog the next day.

But they did it anyway.

I'm grateful for their impact. It is treasured.

I Believe

It's so easy to be cynical in this world.

People can walk around with hatred, jealousy, scepticism, doubt for days, weeks, months even years.

Maybe you'd experienced too many heart-breaks, let-downs, pit-falls... It's so easy to give up on it all. It is so easy to write everything off and say you're done with it all. Done with an old friend. Done with having faith, keeping faith. Done with love. Done with putting yourself out there.

Maybe I was skeptical. I know I was cynical about certain ideals for a while there. But I'm done with that now. Be who you want to be. Believe what you want.

If you think something can happen make it happen. If you want to put all of your feelings out there for someone or for yourself or for whoever just do it.

I went through a period of doubt where I thought that certain things in life were just impossible or fake or unachievable. How could I have felt so many pleasant feelings at one point in the past and have them suddenly stop dead in their tracks? After this happened I briefly decided that certain things were temporary. Nothing could last forever. I became an ice woman.

This wasn't me though. I'm not cold. I'm not emotionless. I do have feelings and I want to feel again. I shut out a lot of feelings and maybe hurt some people along the way and for that I'm sorry. I truly believe that to live fully you have to act on your emotions. I tried convincing myself of certain things but now those walls are down.

Be passionate.

Be spontaneous.

Be miraculous.

Feel.

Show your true self.

Say what you want.

Love.

Life is so short. To quote one of my favourite movies, Now and Then: "Well Samantha... Things will happen in your life that you can't stop... But that's no reason to shut out the world... There's a purpose for the good and for the bad... "

Sure, wearing your heart on your sleeve and truly believing in things may seem foolish to some people. Maybe dangerous. Maybe dumb. But I'm back to me now. And I don't think it's foolish. Or dangerous. Or dumb. I think it's brave. And courageous. And romantic.

This believer is back.

Thank you =)

Writer's Block

I've been wanting to start up my blog again. I wanted to come back with a bang. I wanted to create a post that would have people exclaim, "my God. I've missed Mel's blog!"

I started a few posts and then stopped half way through. They're saved as drafts.

I can't seem to think up an idea... something to get my fingers typing insanely fast upon my keys like they once did when I was on a role. I can't seem to think of clever lines or intriguing ideas that literally get my heart racing.

...

...

So here I sit in my bed. Staring blankly at the screen and occasionally at my surroundings without a single idea.

I suppose much like other events in life, a blog needs coaxing. It needs inspiration. I feel I need to get some practice in before really writing a great post. This saddens me because I feel there once was a time when I was on a role. There was a time when I could write a post every day.

I feel like I'm back at the beginning and I need to start all over again. Sort of like those people who start working out all the time... lose a bunch of weight... feel great about themselves and then the holidays hit... the holidays turn into a few extra months and BAM. They're back at the beginning. Going back to the gym feels bitter sweet. Good to be back. But they know that they appear as if they've never stepped foot in a gym before. But they have. They have worked out here before. They have made a difference. It's just a matter of reconnecting with that person. Reconnecting with that devotion and passion.

I'm not saying I'm not enjoying writing this again. I just need to rediscover my rhythm.

I need to get back in touch with my creative side. I need to exercise and just write.

So here it is. My first blog post of 2012. It's not fantastic but it's a start. And I think that's all I need for now.

I'm starting to run.

Favourite Quotes

"Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count."

- Titanic

Happy Valentine's Day

February 14 is probably one of the most controversial holidays on the calendar. This day stirs up an intense amount of emotions and passion - not all good, not all bad.

When I was a little girl it meant that I got to spend all February 13th writing class members' names on cute little red and pink cards my mom and I had purchased from the drugstore. It also meant that the next day I got to consume candy by the tons. It meant that I received adorable little presents from my parents like lovebugs, teddy bears, movies, etc.

Perhaps one of my favourite parts about Valentine's day as a young girl was the excited feeling in my stomach or the skip of my heart when I'd open up my Valentine's Day basket that our teachers always helped us create. These baskets would hold all of our cards and candies from classmates.

Would someone make a card for me? Would my crush remember how to spell my name? Would someone make their card or candies to me extra special?

Who? What? Why? These questions seemed so exciting.

As I got older I embarked different feelings about this day. My first Valentine's day with a real boyfriend was when I was in grade 10. He went all out: made a delicious dinner, got me roses, danced to my favourite songs with me. It all seemed very romantic. The next day we got in a fight and briefly broke up.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more angry than upset about the break up. What had all of that Valentine's day sentiment even meant? Was it all just a show? Was it society's standard and pressure that made him do all of that special stuff on Valentine's day even if it meant nothing?

I grew a hatred for this day. How could Hallmark and the chocolate companies create such a shallow holiday? Did Valentine's day mean nothing? Should couples not be treating each other amazingly every single day? Should they not always appreciate each other and spoil each other with love?

For the next four Valentine's days I was against the whole conspiracy. I had boyfriends for three of the four Valentine's days and urged that we do nothing special. No sappy love songs, no flowers, no chocolate. I didn't want anything of the sort.

That brings me to today. February 14th 2011. Valentine's Day. Single. Adoring the idea of today.

Why? It's difficult to say.

I had thought I'd always feel disgust when it came to this day. I had been the one that denied all of the cuteness and sweetness of this day from my past two boyfriends for the past several years! Why the sudden change?

Perhaps it's the key aspect that I am single this year. The past three Valentine's days have been times when I'd been in a long-term relationships. I thought that this day was a slap in the face to the relationships that I was in.

Suddenly though, today is mysterious. I'm feeling the same feelings I felt so long ago when I was a little girl in a big class with so many possibilities.

Will I be sent flowers? Will I receive a special "Be my Valentine?" text message? Is someone out there thinking of me? Do I have a secret admirer?

Epiphany!

I have new feelings about this day. I feel like it's a day filled with hope, courage and mystery. In fact, more than ever I feel that this day is meant for the singles. That's what makes it cute and sweet. The mystery. The first gestures. The beginnings perhaps.

So. For the first time in quite a few years I will say the words "Happy Valentine's Day" without a pinch of sarcasm or mockery. I will really mean it. Whether you translate it to "go get the girl!" or "don't be afraid to show your feelings!" or "get the biggest teddy bear you can for them!" I really do mean it.

Happy Valentine's Day.

The Kiss

Between Cher's "It's in his Kiss" song and the countless movies I watched as a young girl kisses have always been crazy romantic to me.

Sex, hugs, letters, late night phone calls - yes, that's all great. And given the right content/timing/person those above can be highly romantic. This is true.

There is something about the kiss though. That very, very first kiss.

Hours, days, weeks, months even years of anticipation suddenly built up into one giant firework moment. Two pairs of lips finally meeting.

Eyes closed.

Images racing through your head perhaps. Maybe no images at all. Just blankness and fullness at the same time.

Perhaps one of the most appealing and romantic aspects of the first kiss is all about the doors that can now open between two people.

Sort of like cracking open a book for the very first time when it's still new and untouched. Just like those first cracking sounds as the book cover initially opens and a whole story waits in front of you.

One of my all-time favourite songs is "A Kiss to Build a Dream On" by Louis Armstrong. Indeed, as a romantic myself, when the kiss is special it just... stays in your mind forever I think.

I believe so far I've had two meaningful romantic relationships in my life. In both cases I remember that first kiss so clearly I could shut my eyes and feel like it was literally yesterday. Both times were extremely different from one another yet both have an equally memorable place in my heart.

The first kiss... you never know where it will take you. But that hope is there. That crazy-filled intensity. Perhaps a kiss to build a dream on...

Wisdom Teeth

Hello fan(s)

Just thought I'd apologize for not writing for a few days. I got four of my wisdom teeth ripped out of my mouth on Wednesday and have been quite looped up on various amounts of drugs.

Just a few things about the whole experience:

It did not hurt! I'm not sure if I just had an incredible surgeon or incredible drugs but I felt no pain whatsoever for the past few days. I'm not sure what the big fuss is all about. Yes, my cheeks got extremely large on Friday and Saturday, and no I still can't open up my mouth very big for the moment, but throughout this whole process I have not felt any physical pain or discomfort.

Also, I just want to give a shout out to my parents who are both so amazing and nurturing. I must say, I quite enjoyed being treated like a little kid again and their pampering was truly appreciated. They are both so patient and caring individuals and they made this whole thing so much fun.

So thank you mom and dad! You rock. And thank you to the friends who were supportive as well =)