It really seems like yesterday that I was leaving New York
after a three day visit and was crying shamelessly on the plane wishing I could
stay longer. It wasn’t a feeling I was unfamiliar with: every time I visited
New York it seemed heart-breaking to leave. In fact, I’d never had a dry eye on
a NYC to YYZ plane ride. In July 2013, I remember a distinct feeling I had when
returning home – a feeling of being stuck. All I wanted was to live in New York
City and pursue my dream of acting and it seemed there was no way to do it. I
wanted to move there immediately, but being that I was Canadian, I’d have to
either be in school, or be offered a job or be in a super serious relationship
(none of which were available to me at that point.) I felt like being Canadian
and living here had trapped me and made me lose out on so many wonderful things
just on the other side of the border. How could it be that living just 50 minutes
from the USA could be such a burden?
Flash forward past a summer of 70 hour workweeks, auditions,
interviews, acceptances, moving, acting classes, dance classes, combat classes,
speech and voice classes, invitations back to second year, more work, more
classes, more onion-peeling (less sleep) musicals, demonstrations, showcases,
shows and several rounds of watching some of my favorite summer movies (Grease,
The Great Outdoors, Summer Rental, Vacation, etc.) and we get to May 2016 when
I had the sudden urge to visit home. Maybe it was the fact that my mind and
body needed a rest after the intensive year at school and they knew exactly
where they could get it or maybe it was because deep inside me, I knew that
there really is no place like Canada in the summer but something inside of me
made me want to come back.
This past month has been exactly what I needed. I need to
decompress, breathe, relax, get rerooted, restore my energy and spend time with
the people who I love. I think the last time I got to just relax without having
a job or being in school was when I was fifteen and it really did feel great. I
love being an adult and living on my own and doing my own grocery shopping and
cleaning and organizing but there really is something so great about going home
and being able to be a kid again. I got to sleep in, read, go for car rides and
reconnect with some of my favorite people. And funnily enough, the people
weren’t the only ones I reconnected with... I have to say: I love this country.
Canada is beautiful, free, friendly, safe and home. I have never been the kind of person to be patriotic, in
fact, I would often tease Canada in a tongue-and-cheek kind of way.
It took 26 years (two of which were spent in the States) to
realize how lucky I am to be born in what is truly the greatest country in the
world and I am oh, so proud to say it. I am Canadian.
So as my month-long trip back home comes to an end and I
find myself about to face a year of not being able to leave the States with my
new visa, I can’t help but think how the tables turn. How it was just a few
years ago I wanted nothing more than to leave here and never look back and now
(while I am excited to go back to New
York and get to work and do what I love) I know I am leaving behind a huge
piece of my heart.
I already miss my family and friends here. I already miss my
backyard. I already miss the comfort of lounging around the house I was born in
and know so well. I already miss my old bedroom. I already miss my always-full
refrigerator. I already miss the beautiful view outside my kitchen windows. I
already miss slipping my feet underneath family members at the dinner table. I
already miss mini road trips. I already miss running errands with my mom. I
already miss the comfort of being a ten minute drive from my best friend. I
already miss horsing around with my brother. I already miss cooking with my
dad. I already miss my running route. I already miss the nostalgia of laughing
with the friends I have known for over two decades. I already miss falling asleep
in my family room. I already miss walking around our property in bare feet.
I love New York. I really do. And anyone that knows me knows
that I don’t have to explain or defend my love and passion for my city. It’s
what gives me ambition. It’s what gives me fuel. It’s where I feel alive. It’s
where I know opportunity is for me. I know it is where I have to be to make my
dreams come true. So while reading this please know that I don’t mean this to
sound like I am being shipped off to Syria and being held captive or anything.
It’s just that for the first time I’ve realized that Canada
will always be my roots. For the first time I’ve realized that this is the
place that has made me who I am. This is the place that will always hold some
of my best and most cherished memories. This is the place where so many of the
people I love most in the world live. And truly, this is my home and native
land. And for the first time I’ve realized just how proud I am of that.
I guess the grass is really always greener on the other side
(of the border.)
I already miss you, Canada, and all of the special people,
places and memories you hold so dear to my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment