The Grass Is Always Greener

“Thomas Wolfe once said, ‘you can’t go home again.’” – Now and Then

It really seems like yesterday that I was leaving New York after a three day visit and was crying shamelessly on the plane wishing I could stay longer. It wasn’t a feeling I was unfamiliar with: every time I visited New York it seemed heart-breaking to leave. In fact, I’d never had a dry eye on a NYC to YYZ plane ride. In July 2013, I remember a distinct feeling I had when returning home – a feeling of being stuck. All I wanted was to live in New York City and pursue my dream of acting and it seemed there was no way to do it. I wanted to move there immediately, but being that I was Canadian, I’d have to either be in school, or be offered a job or be in a super serious relationship (none of which were available to me at that point.) I felt like being Canadian and living here had trapped me and made me lose out on so many wonderful things just on the other side of the border. How could it be that living just 50 minutes from the USA could be such a burden?

Flash forward past a summer of 70 hour workweeks, auditions, interviews, acceptances, moving, acting classes, dance classes, combat classes, speech and voice classes, invitations back to second year, more work, more classes, more onion-peeling (less sleep) musicals, demonstrations, showcases, shows and several rounds of watching some of my favorite summer movies (Grease, The Great Outdoors, Summer Rental, Vacation, etc.) and we get to May 2016 when I had the sudden urge to visit home. Maybe it was the fact that my mind and body needed a rest after the intensive year at school and they knew exactly where they could get it or maybe it was because deep inside me, I knew that there really is no place like Canada in the summer but something inside of me made me want to come back.

This past month has been exactly what I needed. I need to decompress, breathe, relax, get rerooted, restore my energy and spend time with the people who I love. I think the last time I got to just relax without having a job or being in school was when I was fifteen and it really did feel great. I love being an adult and living on my own and doing my own grocery shopping and cleaning and organizing but there really is something so great about going home and being able to be a kid again. I got to sleep in, read, go for car rides and reconnect with some of my favorite people. And funnily enough, the people weren’t the only ones I reconnected with... I have to say: I love this country. Canada is beautiful, free, friendly, safe and home. I have never been the kind of person to be patriotic, in fact, I would often tease Canada in a tongue-and-cheek kind of way.

It took 26 years (two of which were spent in the States) to realize how lucky I am to be born in what is truly the greatest country in the world and I am oh, so proud to say it. I am Canadian.

So as my month-long trip back home comes to an end and I find myself about to face a year of not being able to leave the States with my new visa, I can’t help but think how the tables turn. How it was just a few years ago I wanted nothing more than to leave here and never look back and now (while I am excited to go back to New York and get to work and do what I love) I know I am leaving behind a huge piece of my heart.

I already miss my family and friends here. I already miss my backyard. I already miss the comfort of lounging around the house I was born in and know so well. I already miss my old bedroom. I already miss my always-full refrigerator. I already miss the beautiful view outside my kitchen windows. I already miss slipping my feet underneath family members at the dinner table. I already miss mini road trips. I already miss running errands with my mom. I already miss the comfort of being a ten minute drive from my best friend. I already miss horsing around with my brother. I already miss cooking with my dad. I already miss my running route. I already miss the nostalgia of laughing with the friends I have known for over two decades. I already miss falling asleep in my family room. I already miss walking around our property in bare feet.

I love New York. I really do. And anyone that knows me knows that I don’t have to explain or defend my love and passion for my city. It’s what gives me ambition. It’s what gives me fuel. It’s where I feel alive. It’s where I know opportunity is for me. I know it is where I have to be to make my dreams come true. So while reading this please know that I don’t mean this to sound like I am being shipped off to Syria and being held captive or anything.

It’s just that for the first time I’ve realized that Canada will always be my roots. For the first time I’ve realized that this is the place that has made me who I am. This is the place that will always hold some of my best and most cherished memories. This is the place where so many of the people I love most in the world live. And truly, this is my home and native land. And for the first time I’ve realized just how proud I am of that.

I guess the grass is really always greener on the other side (of the border.)

I already miss you, Canada, and all of the special people, places and memories you hold so dear to my heart.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I can't say I had the very best day today. Without going into great detail, I was just feeling a bit upset about a few things and not entirely pleased with the way I handled a situation. While I will be the first to admit that I tend to obsess over things that I don't necessarily like, I could feel such an obsession coming on as I was leaving my school this afternoon.

By the time I got home I could have faced a torturous evening of "if's, ands or buts" however, I was welcomed home by simply the cutest cat in the world. I've heard statistics about how people with pets live much happier lives and I have to say that this makes so much sense to me. There is nothing like coming home to my little guy. His greeting is so adorable and sincere and he truly makes me feel at home here. I really don't think I'd have made such a smooth transition from leaving my house of twenty four years to moving to another country so well if it wasn't for him. (That and this is my favourite place, like ever. Ever, ever.)

Anyway, Edward was the first key part of turning my day around, however this particular post is about the other part that made me feel better: the Office.

I watched several episodes as I made homemade Zucchini Torte from scratch (for the first time!) In my humble opinion, the Office is single-handedly one of the most clever and hilarious shows of our time. Few shows ever make me laugh out loud when I'm by myself but this is truly one that does. All of the characters are so hilarious and so very loveable.

The Office was the perfect little escape from reality for me this evening. It made me laugh, smile and feel all warm inside (lame, I know.)

Anyway, the point of all this is I want to provide this kind of lightness and entertainment to people's lives. I want to be the one who makes them laugh and makes them excited to come home, relax, eat some food, have a drink... just sit back and relax. I want to be a part of entertainment (be it a live show, television show or movie) that people look forward to watching. I'm so thankful for the actors and comedians who have enriched my life with humor and that's what I want to do.

I want to make people laugh. That's what I want to do. Always.

Who You Are

Today I was thinking about what makes us who we are.

People say that our friends are a reflection of us. Am I like my friends?

People say that you are what you eat. Am I a cherry tomato? Avocado? Baby carrot?

People say your family is who you are. That's very flattering.

Your friends and your family and the way you treat them may be a reflection of your character but how do we actually explain to anyone - or more importantly - to ourselves who we are.

Melissa is a person who likes to joke around. Melissa is a person who loves to write, make videos, listen to music, play with animals, read, travel, swim... these are just some of my hobbies.

But who am I?

What defines me? What makes me different from my neighbour or friend or brother or you, the person reading this blog?

I usually hate these kind of questions, so forgive me for sounding "out there" in this post. But what is the difference between all of us?

I look at people I surround myself with throughout every day life and can't help but think I'm so different. I feel like I work differently, like I belong to something bigger.

That's when I came upon a thought:

perhaps who we are is defined by who we want to be.

People who want to do and accomplish certain things are definitions of what it is they'd like to do.

Our character is reflected in what we want and hope to do.

I want to travel, cook, write, act, be successful, live in so many different places, have kids, be an amazing mom and wife... this defines me. Even though I haven't done much of any of the above yet, it's the fact that I want to do and accomplish all of the above that makes me who I am.

There are people who one day just want to be a car owner, or baseball player or an accountant, etc. and that is what makes them who they are today. What they want in the future is a definitive.

That's not to say that what we want in the future may not change - this is why we change every day. Perhaps that's why youth is so fascinating. You can be whoever you want to be because your hopes and dreams for the future are still scattered upon the stars.

I could just be writing on and on now. However, this makes sense in my head. Like I said, I see things differently. That's what makes me who I am - the way I see my future from the way you see yours.

Cheers to the future and to who you are.

Happy Year

Me on my 21st Birthday

Today is my 22nd Birthday. Although many people celebrate at midnight exclaiming, "I'm 22 now!" I have always waited until 4:48 PM to officially say my new age. It's the exact time I was born and it allows me the entire morning to reflect on the past year I've had. I think about the ups and downs and the significant moments of the past year's journey. It's about fifteen minutes until 4:48, so I'm going to quickly jot down some moments that I cherish...


California
The best trip I have ever been on in my entire life was with my mom as we travelled to California. A place I've been to almost a dozen times as a child. This was the first time I'd been there since I was twelve and it opened up an entire new mind-frame for me. It bonded me even closer with my mom and my dad's beautiful family there. It also bonded me to that state. The place I one day would love to call home.

Edward
Never in a million years did I ever think I'd like - let alone adopt - a cat. I'd always considered myself a dog person and thought cats seemed inferior compared to dogs. This little baby kitten landed himself on our back porch in the winter and I was able to adopt him mid-January and I can honestly say I love the little guy so much more than I ever thought possible. What an adorable face he has - and his personality, believe it or not, is even cuter.

YouTube
Those who know me - in real life or any of my close to 1000 subscribers - know that I love YouTube. This year I made one of my biggest dreams come true and became a YOUTUBE PARTNER. I still can't believe it and thank you to everyone who has supported me and continued to show their support. You have no idea how much it means to me.

New Music
I'd always considered myself quite a musical connoisseur. I loved everything from oldies to rap, pop to country - but I'd always said I couldn't stand heavy metal or house music. Last summer I was introduced to Armin, Avicii, Aoki, Benassi... the list goes on. I've fallen in love with this music and the parties that go along with it.

Finished School
I have finished schooling! There were many times when I never thought this day would come. But it's over. Woohoo! I now have my degree and diploma.

Friends
I've made so many new life-long friends this year. While I've welcomed new friendships, I've also said goodbye to others that didn't prove to be as sincere as I'd thought. This surely was not a bad thing though. I love having a closer-knit group of people I love and I feel so blessed to have some amazing and crazy people in my life. Focusing on my new and significant friendships has been the one of the most rewarding experiences for me.

Dylan
I became a Godmother just before turning 21 last year and the honour is indescribable. I've spent this past year bonding more closely with my adorable godson and I am so excited and looking forward to what the future has in store for us.

Christmas
I will not go into too much detail here but I managed to make my very, very, very favourite holiday extra "special" this year. Again, I will not include too many details but it was surely a Christmas for my family and I to remember forever.

Relationships
I was in a very, very brief relationship that showed me that I must always stay true to myself and the goals that I've set out for me. While this was a very quick dating experience it allowed me to see what I do and do not want in people, in myself, in my life, etc. So I'm thankful for that.

Babies
I became an "aunt" for the first time and words cannot describe my love for this new bundle of joy. I cannot wait to spoil and eat up my little chuftka! One of my closest cousins also had her third baby! And again, I cannot wait to spoil the little one with oodles and oodles of love.

Yes, I have experienced ups and downs and moments that have helped steer me to exactly where I'm meant to be right now. I'm thankful for each one and I am so excited for this next year of my life. I hope and pray that I will be as fortunate in my 22nd year of life that I have been from my first moment all the way through my 21st year.

... It's now 4:48!!! Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

Life... Make Each Day Count

In honour of the 100th Titanic anniversary, I am posting one of my very favourite quotes of all time.

"Well, yes, ma'am, I do... I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count."

Relationships

I want to express here that I'm not against relationships.

I don't have negative feelings about relationships. We are free to do what we want, when we want and that is marvellous. So if being in a relationship makes you happy, then I am so happy for you. And if being single makes you happy, then I am so happy for you.

I was speaking with someone a few days ago and we joked about "my take" on relationships...

I thought this was hilarious. And still feel it was a funny joke however, I was thinking about my real take on relationships today and think that maybe I should clear up that I'm not really against relationships. At all.

I think love is one of the very best things in the world. It's one of the only forms of magic that doesn't involve any tricks or spells and is completely real. It's pure. It's comforting, thrilling, stomach-flipping, "reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff." And that's nothing to scoff at. Someone who refuses to love is probably scared to. Give them time. They'll come around.

So now I've got to thinking about myself and how I may have sounded to others for the past several years. And perhaps it's my own fault for creating the confusion. I've said things like "I'm not a relationship person anymore" and that's not entirely true. If the right person comes along and has me swept completely off my feet and I know that in my heart, this is right then I will be in a relationship. I will be more than happy and more than willing to put my entire self into that relationship and give him every part of me from my heart to my home, my family, friends, advice, shoulder, love, tenderness... I'll give him everything. You see, I may sound cold or even heartless by saying things like "no relationships for me right now" but I'm still a hopeless romantic. I'm still a person who believes in love. In true love.

And perhaps the reason why I have shied away from relationships in the past, or the reason I get that claustrophobic feeling when I think I'm giving someone the wrong idea is because I simply know that it's not right.

I'd like to believe that it won't take looking at other people's relationships to prove that I can be in a relationship. Rather, it will take the man that will be worth it. I'm not going to be in relationships that I know just aren't the right fit. It wouldn't be fair to me, nor the other person. And that's something I'll say I'm against. I'm against two people being in something that is damaging towards them.

I'd also like to think that something will just click one day. That things will fall into place and that what's meant to be is truly meant to be and will be. And maybe that sounds too simple, or too cliche... but hey. I told you I'm still a hopeless romantic.

Last Day of School

Tomorrow is my last day of school.

It is also the first time I'll be saying that without knowing I'll be back at school after summer vacation. I have such a mix of emotions inside of me right now that it is truly impossible for me to explain everything I'm feeling in words.

Surreal seems like one of the most appropriate word choices to describe my feelings towards this chapter's ending.

There had been many long nights, days, wee hours of the mornings when I'd cursed school to no end. There were essays I dreaded writing and exams that I walked into with the utmost terror (not to mention messy bun, bags under my eyes, sweatpants and hoodie attire.)

As a well-practiced procrastinator, many of my essay-related experiences involved me... My bedroom. My two best friends on Skype (you know who you are.) At least five cups of espresso. Facebook. YouTube. Papers. Notes. Garbage can full of notes. My nearby clock (ever-so politely displaying hour after excruciating hour pass by.) Some tears. Many body stretches. Many long glances around my room which turned into daydreams which often turned into two-three minute naps. I can't forget the glorious sunrise in all of this. Because I'd be lying if I said that most of my work was not completed (or in the final stages of completion) with the motivation of that beautiful sun rising. It is here where I thank my printer for pulling through. It is my belief that few people know the true pleasure of hitting the "Print" button until they've been through university.

Then there were the exams. Hours and hours of lectures, homework and studying widdled down into a two hour exam that really mostly tests your ability to control your nerves in such a case and remember just about... well, everything.

Lectures. There were certain lectures that I've blocked and erased from my mind completely. Lectures that were about two hours and 45 minutes too long. Lectures where I recorded about one line of notes but successfully organized my iTunes library, or pulled off a silent skype conversation with a friend, or beat eight consecutive solitaire games in a row, or even lectures where I spent most of my time texting and flirting with a certain someone.

So all this complaining. I should be happy to go. I should be running out the doors. Right? But as I sit here at 2:45 in the morning thinking about how this may be the last time I express, "I should get to bed soon... I have an early class" I also think about the good experiences, too.

I remember the first really, really good essay I ever wrote. It was in my Mass Communications class in first year. It was about Barbie and how I supported her rather than tear her down like most others do. I loved that essay and damn, I did well on it. I remember by first Public Relations class with Richard and how everything he described in that class seemed to scream, "Meltab!" I remember the reassuring feeling I felt that day - like I was on the right track or something.

While I can't really put my finger on a "fun" exam, I do chuckle thinking about some of the stresses I went through prior to some midterms. Frantically texting with classmates... desperately flipping through notes after notes and units after units trying to discover what certain terms meant... I also remember that feeling of finally being able to flip over the exam booklet and quickly skim the questions in the exam. I loved the feeling I'd get when I knew answers... recognized words and terms...

Yes, some lectures were difficult to get through but I'd have to say that most of them were pretty great. I was lucky to have quite a few professors who are true gems and I'll remember those special ones forever probably. I loved when our whole class would get involved in a deep discussion. As a group of public relations students, we tend to be a vocal crowd. Yes, there were definitely some lash-outs and probably name-callings along the way, but when these moments happened they always made class exciting.

I suppose one of the things I'll miss most about being a student is this lifestyle. The very lifestyle I sometimes hated. The very lifestyle that kept me up and caused countless all-nighters. The very lifestyle that caused me to step out of my house looking like a zombie. The very lifestyle that had made me repeat to myself so many times... "just three more years..." "just two more years, you're half way..." "just one more year, you're almost done..." to... tonight. "One more day."

The "school" aspect of school has definitely played it's hand, but being a student has also been all I've known my whole life. After tomorrow, I will no longer be a student. I'll eventually be an intern and then one day an employee... or a traveller or a blogger or an owner or... something.

I don't know. I do not know what the future holds and I suppose that is one of the thrilling parts of all this, too. Throughout my whole life I've always been a student and always left school knowing I'd soon be back to continue being a student. That chapter will be over by tomorrow at 3:20 pm and a new adventurous one will begin. It's scary, exiting, sad, satisfying, gratifying... surreal.

So here's to the last of so many blog posts I've written in the middle of the night, instead of doing other things (like sleeping) to better prepare myself for school tomorrow. Thank you so much for reading and being a part of this night and perhaps all the others you have read about.

Here's to this past chapter. Here's to school and being lucky enough to attend it.

And better yet... here's to the next chapter.